The Cost of Staying

Natasha met Isaac at a party years ago. The attraction was infectious and the two of them let loose and had the time of their lives. Isaac brought out a different side of her that she had never known before.

Over the years they’ve spent increasingly more time together. Initially it was euphoric and fun but as time went by, Isaac wanted more and more of her time, yet the time they spent together was less enjoyable and more problematic. Natasha was tired all the time because Isaac was a terrible sleeper and his restlessness would keep her awake. She began to feel mildly depressed and anxious because of him. She was also gaining weight, but had less energy to exercise. By going out with him, she was spending more and more of her money and it was cutting into her finances. The relationship with Isaac didn’t affect her work relationships at large, although one friend did say bluntly that she likes Natasha better without Isaac.  

And yes, there was an “incident” once. The bruises, the puffiness. It embarrassed her so much that she told friends that it was due to dehydration.  She stood up quickly, causing lightheadedness, then passed out and fell. 

There are different versions of the same story.  She tripped and fell, slipped and fell, lost her balance and fell…. Then, she and Isaac spent some time apart after the incident, but reconciled and they still see each other almost every night after work and on weekends.. 

Should Natasha end her relationship with Isaac?  Why or why not?  They are bound to see each other frequently at gatherings and events. How would you recommend she set boundaries or limit her time with him? 

Now - Read this again and substitute Isaac with Alcohol.  Are your answers the same?

This may be surprisingly difficult to answer if you consider yourself a “normie“ and not an alcoholic. After all, your life is manageable, right? A normie is someone who can drink alcohol casually without experiencing addiction, cravings, or negative, uncontrolled consequences.  If you are a normie you can, by definition, more easily break up with alcohol or reduce it significantly.  

What is your relationship with alcohol?  What is your cost of "staying"? Do you sleep well at night? Do you feel at your best physically, mentally and emotionally? How is it affecting your work, your finances, your weight, and your relationships? Do you make excuses for it and yourself?  Has anyone ever told you that you drink too much or they worry about your drinking?

These are hard questions that may deliver hard answers.  That said, therapy can provide a path to clarity.  

Here are some other resources to help navigate a healthier relationship with alcohol.

• Reframe app: evidenced-based app designed to help users reduce or eliminate alcohol consumption through a self-paced program with psychoeducation, daily tasks, and community support.  It features personalized track, meditation, and AI coaching to help users change their habits.  This link will get you a discount.  

• Moderation Management (MM): Designed for individuals who want to change their relationship with alcohol by learning to reduce intake, though it often suggests a 30-day sobriety period first.

• SMART Recovery (Self-Management and Recovery Training): Focuses on empowering individuals to stop or reduce drinking through cognitive behavioral techniques (CBT).

• HAMS (Harm Reduction for Alcohol): Offers an all-inclusive, peer-led, and free online platform,, supporting goals ranging from safer drinking to quitting cold turkey.

• LifeRing Secular Recovery: Focuses on empowering the "sober self" through peer support without religious elements.

• Women for Sobriety (WFS): A support group specifically focusing on the emotional and spiritual needs of women.

• Secular Organizations for Sobriety (SOS): A non-religious network, focused on maintaining sobriety